Thursday, November 10, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan

If you're like me (not to imply you are a wealth of snark, smuttiness and jackassary), then there is always one thought lurking no matter what you're doing. It's there in the back of your mind too, isn't it? On the darkest nights, the quietest moments, it creeps up on you. 

What the hell will I do 
when the zombie apocalypse strikes? 

Sure, I may be a zombie. I may get my nibble on, when the need strikes *cough* unfollowers *cough cough*, but I straddle the fence. Damn. *flashes Gutter Pass* That is to say, I play for both teams. Really? Allow me to try one last time. I enjoy company with zombies as well as with you lovely mundanes. *head desk* Oh, well, if you follow me on Twitter you know I'm pretty much stuck in the gutter. You should be used to it. Now, on with the point...

The point...

Oh, yes. Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness. Well if you have concerns about this, you've come to the right place for answers. Allow me to ease your worries. Oh, it will happen *cue scary movie music* I'm not here to tell you it won't. I just plan to help prepare you for when it does happen. 

Step 1:  Be sure to surround yourself with people, preferably people that you don’t like. Keep in mind that this is only the first line of defense. You don’t want to be the only option on the menu, do you? No, of course not. These are not sensual vamps we’re talking about. 

Reminder: Zombie bite =/= orgasmic

Step 2: Slather yourself with butter and encourage all those around you to do the same. This is in no way related to our desire to…uh, nibble on you.

Step 3: Now, you wait. Wait. Wait. You wait until we find you. You should, under no circumstances attempt to track us down. We don’t like our dinner delivered. That is, we are not easy to track. Yes, not easy to track.

Step 4: When we find you, scream “Run!” at the top of your voice. As you and your comrades flee for your life, trip the closest person to you. This is where you’ll be glad you kept company with people you don’t like. This should, in no way, be seen as an act of vengeance, but rather as the best line of defense.

Now, if you happen to be caught in the grips of a zombie we’ll, uh, you’ll, you'll be glad you slathered yourself with butter. Because….well, because then you can just wiggle a little. Yeah. Wiggle and you’ll slip right out of our grip. Sure.

You can hit us, run us over, insult us, yell profanity…none of that will matter. We have only one way we can actually be dead. I mean dead-dead, not like walking-around-eating-people-dead. You can’t kill us from fifty feet away. Nope. You can shoot silver bullets at werewolves from a safe distance away, lob stakes at vamps from the safety of your hidey hole, but you’ve gotta get up close and personal to kill one of us. Plus, you’ll really need a strong stomach, because you’re gonna have to separate the zombie’s head from his/her body. And, depending on the stage of decay the zombie is in…it can be quite difficult to accomplish.

Now those are just recommendations. Please note that not every circumstance is the same. You might have to think quickly. Think on your feet...or without them. However, here are some absolute No-Nos. I'm talking things you shouldn't do even if a zombie is clamped to your leg.

AVOID the following:

  1. Do not head to the mall. First of all, zombies are not just mindless killing machines. They don't just roll out of the grave in whatever they're wearing and start tearing towns apart. They're going to do it in style. If the apocalypse gear of their choice is leather and thigh high boots, do you really want to be in their way? Besides, picture the malls on Black Friday. Not getting it? Let me break it down for you: The Mall = Zombie buffet. Clear enough?
  2. Do not attempt to shoot at us. Bullets will do nothing to us except mar our body and make us look more gruesome. I’m gonna be mighty ticked off if you shoot up my face before the big Friday night football game. Which brings me to number 2.
  3. Do not tick off a zombie…especially a zombabe, like me.
  4. Do not try to light us on fire. I mean seriously, we’re DEAD. Like fire is really going to do much. Can’t feel it people. Be more creative. Besides…that’s just gonna add some seriously stinky fumes to your already polluted planet.
  5. Do not attempt to flee in your vehicle. During zombie attacks or, for crying out loud, the zombie apocalypse, you’ll never get anywhere! No…fleeing on foot, in crowds, that’s the most practical way.
  6. Do not attempt to track down the Voodoo queen controlling us. Dude, she’s controlling ZOMBIES for crying out loud! You think your teeny mundane self can do anything to her? Good zombie goddess you’re not going to last five minutes!

Come to think of it…the only sure way to survive when zombies are around is to place a sign in the window of your house. Or have a T-shirt made. Tattoo? I make it a policy not to snack on my Twitter followers, but outside of Twitterland it’s hard to tell who is zombie friendly.

Do yourself a favor and proudly display this sign and avoid the fallout from zombies all together. Please take a step in preparedness today, grab and post on your blog.
Kyla Novelista

 Please note: No humans were hurt in the making of this post. Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan created with the help of @soulswallo, @JodiRedford, @MonsterMaX3, @EdynzTrybe, @BeasBookNook and @BookBender (it is possible there were other contributors, I apologize profusely if I missed one. Please email or DM me so I can add you to the list!) with a nod to all my zombie loving twitter peeps, most specifically, @AprilRDenton, @zombiegeekboy and @Blackfireink

This post originally posted as part of a larger guest post on Starting the Next Chapter. Feel free to hop on over there for the full post.


  1. I am fully confident that I will be okay once the ZA hits now. You are a lifesaver Kyla! *nods*

    Saving post to a document and laminating so that I can memorize these very valuable tips!

  2. Well, I have my combat-boots and brass knuckles (although now I'm seriously questioning their effectiveness in a zombie-attack), I also have my "Do-s & Don't-s" I'm pretty ready! Bring it on zombies!!

    PS: Seeing as fire has been ruled out, Kelly (@soulswallo) is going to have to find a new weapon!

  3. Love it! Love your take on Z-Day, and how to prepare.

    Thank you for the steps and tips. :)

  4. I've already told you this on Twitter, but for posterity's sake, I'm going to say it here, as well. 1) The new Zombie Friendly sign = awesomeness. 2) The additional advie = brilliant. 3) You = rock! Keep it up, girl!

  5. Thank you for the tips! I WILL be prepared! *goes to slather self in butter* *waits*

  6. This is so made of win. Totally came in handy last night, even if it was "just a drill." LOL. :D

  7. Well, this post just made me giggle. ;)



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